Beginning to end...

We begin so many times in our lives - at birth, first tooth, walking, school, college, career, marriage and so on. We also end equally as many times through changes in personal habits or work, residences, loves, friendships, health, diet and death - either ours or of those we love. Call it a metamorphosis or an analogy of life.

As a young girl I simply wanted to wander in wonder all the days of my life. I wanted to let life unfold and be an observer. I guess that's why I became a journalist as my first career. But stuff happened and plans went awry. And then I got really tired; exhausted by all the daily challenges and changes and hiccups. I (and you) ask ourselves if we can make it through another day.

And we do.

And we delight in the amazing, wonderful things that occur - even the tiniest of treasures, like a bite of a ripe banana.

We also mourn lost opportunities, friendships, or people who've passed away - especially the folks, places or things that held a piece of our soul.

Merriam-Webster's definition of soul is:

The spiritual part of a person that is believed to give life to the body and, in many religions, is believed to live forever; a person's deeply felt moral and emotional nature; the ability of a person to feel kindness and sympathy for others, to appreciate beauty and art, etc.

There are two instances in my life when I knew I truly connected with my soul. The first was when I had Stage IVB cancer and near death experiences and the second has been since my brother died in August 2013.

A sense of soulful, holy spirit is what we are supposed to feel during the holiday season and many of us do. This year, however, I feel I floated through Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas - detached and alone even though I was surrounded by the love of others. I am thankful for the souls on 'the other side' who made themselves known to me either by images and scents or simply the awareness that they are nearby. Meditation is also a great tool that helps me reconnect my soul to those beyond my reach.

My soul remains raw yet intact. The pieces that have been lost to me will eventually return to fill me up more deeply but differently; like new, bold colors that stay within the lines.. At least that's how I envision it.

And because I know myself better than any other soul, I want to end this post with a humorous quote by children's activist, trumpet player, music producer, songwriter, and television producer Quincy Jones.

"I've always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, "Ain't that the truth."

Quincy Jones, Victory of the Spirit

T'is true, indeed. Happy, healthy New Year to all.

Ringmaster

As a chronically ill person, I am forced to take care of myself every day. I manage and monitor medications, side effects, flares, doctor appointments, and the food I eat at every meal, among the many other nuances of the sicknesses I suffer. I'm the ringmaster of my own three-ring circus and it feels like a life-long job.

Sometimes, though, I need to recognize that I have to take CARE of myself in some loving, self-soothing ways - erasing from my mind the daily worries and chores of my health and indulge in a frivolous facial, a restaurant meal, or a carefree walk through the woods. It  is so hard to shut down the worries in one's mind even when things are going well. In fact, I was'writing this blog post in my mind while I was having the special one-hour facial (a gift from a friend). It was so hard to relax; to succumb to the treatment without worrying if the instruments were clean or if I would have an allergic reaction to one of the potions or lotions.

Several years ago, one physician suggested deep tissue muscle massage for my never-ending body tension. THAT was a mistake. Fibromyalgia and deep tissue massage do-not-a-match-make. I was in worse pain for days. While many doctors extol the virtues of various types of massage for fibromyalgia patients, there is a cautionary note:

"Bodyworkers must proceed carefully and slowly with FMS clients, especially when flare-ups are involved. During a flare-up, symptoms intensify and new symptoms can develop. For some clients, massage involving vigorous strokes or deep pressure can cause rebound tenderness, exacerbating pain. Prior to, and during flare-ups, certain areas may be too tender for deep work, and can result in further tensing of the involved muscles. Respected fibromyalgia researcher, Devin J. Starlanyl, M.D., recommends avoiding deep tissue massage or neuromuscular therapy during these times."

Unlike a ringmaster, there is no cracking of a whip or blurt of a whistle for me to get going. I am reminded of friends and family who are facing their own troubles. One will break a nail and it's a catastrophe of the largest proportions. Others are looking for how to pay their bills yet carry on smiling and keeping faith that all will be well. And some are in the throes of grief.

So where do my aches and pains fit in on the dial-o-meter of distress? I searched for scholarly research and articles on perception of distress and found a multitude of sources but each only looked at one cause of the distress - heart attack, diabetes, discrimination, cancer, current events, spirituality, etc. I couldn't come up with a conclusion. Any psycho-social research scientists out there who want to tackle this one?

I've decided that our dial-o-meters are highly personal. The lady with the broken nail is in high distress based on her own perceptions of what causes her angst and unrest. Or, perhaps she is the one who is also dealing with grief and this was the last straw; the hole in the dyke that let her emotions come flooding out. So I don't judge anyone's pain, even mine, because it is relative to what we are experiencing at the time.

Hmmmm. I just remembered. I totally lost it last week when my coat zipper got stuck. It wasn't the zipper. It WAS a culmination of stresses and pain and it became my target; so I beat the hell out of that coat and, finally, stepped out of it and threw it across the room.

Maybe that's what we need to do. Just step away from distress sometimes. Step away and give ourselves a break even if it's only in our own mind. Anyone up for some meditation?