The Black Hole

No matter how many years have passed, this time of year reminds me of my battle with "The Big C" and how I nearly died without an emergency tracheotomy and brutal chemotherapy. After my surgical biopsy revealed I had Stage IV Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a tumor lodged between my heart and lung and the ensuing days when, coupled with new-found Lupus, I descended into a hell unknown to me. Three years and many treatments and several near death experiences later, I emerged - new and naked. I had to recreate me.

But an amazing thing also happened when I ascended to Heaven for some moments, saw the light, and was able to look down on my own body on its gurney, the rushing doctors and nurses and my terrified husband. Briefly returning to my lifeless body, I told him to say goodbye to my sons and that I loved him. And then off I went to a peaceful, beautiful place until I woke in a trauma unit at another hospital with eyes swollen shut. Of course, when I was able to speak weeks later, I swore it never happened.

Then how would I have recognized the two nurses who tended to me? How did I 'see' my husband throw his trembling body over mine, screaming: "No, no! Amy! My soul mate!" Later, when I could read about such experiences, I learned I had entered a new club, if you will - those who are fortunate enough to visit Heaven and return. I haven't been afraid to die since.

The tears flow freely right now, not only from my memories but also from the tragic events unfolding all around us in this life; the grief, the misery, the sheer torture of it all for so many. And I felt it important that I write this down, perhaps selfishly because I still suffer from bouts of post traumatic stress disorder and to share one of my favorite quotes:

 “I have never met a person whose greatest need was anything other than real, unconditional love. You can find it in a simple act of kindness toward someone who needs help. There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame that heats our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives.

It is our connection to God and to each other."

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

On Death and Dying

Let's stay connected, even if just through social media or email.

Let's remember those we miss so terribly. 

Let's wrap the holiday season around us in increments that we can manage, however big or small.

Let's feel our hearts heal and beat with love. 

I'm trying, God, I'm trying. 

Photo taken at Brookgreen Gardens, Murrells Inlet, S.C.