Christmas Step-In-Time?

Is the Christmas spirit here in time to spare me my grief over the loss of my brother to suicide four months ago? To file away years of Christmas memories that are near and dear? To say 'enough' and create new memories; change things up so my heart can be open to reinventing myself after yet another trauma?

I'm doing my best yet I feel, like most 'survivors' of disease, trauma, or loss, that it might be impossible.

The movie Saving Mr. Banks about P. L. Travers, the author of the Mary Poppins series, sheds light on this difficult topic. Expecting a lighthearted film about Walt Disney and 'Mrs. Travers,' as she insists she be called, I was proven wrong yet not disappointed.

[SPOILER ALERT]

An early childhood filled with turmoil and loss, left the very grown-up Mrs. Travers (nee Helen Lyndon Goff) unable to part with her imaginary world except as she wrote it. She was unable to give the gift of her pretend paradise to the rest of us on film a la Disney's vision for nearly 20 years and Disney never earned authorization for any of her subsequent books. Ultimately, she did but was none too pleased with the results.

You see, Helen Goff retreated into a world of fantasy (enabled and encouraged by her charismatic yet alcoholic father) as a balm to harsher realties. So, too, did Disney in his own way, according to the movie. Yet Disney chose to change his real life experiences with his fanciful mind, creating characters and rewriting history to cope. That, he explains to Mrs. Travers, is how to escape the awfulness of  her youth and turn it into something wonderful. I was awestruck by the concept.

[END ALERT]

As a lifelong writer, I  penned non-fiction works; first for newspapers and magazines and then for corporate clients and, finally, in a memoir about dealing with near-fatal and chronic illness. I haven't descended (or ascended) into a world of fantasy - yet. I have started fiction novels but have preferred to pour out my heart in truth. Maybe it's time to stop. Maybe it's time to turn my attention towards characters and situations I can control with happy outcomes. I simply do not know.

At this Christmas crossroads, I find myself longing for my fantastical brother who, like Disney, could make up a world with a few paintbrush strokes as well as silly songs and stories. Imagining the end he chose for himself is nearly as unbearable as it is unacceptable. I know I have to deal.

Step In Time is one of the most favorite and beloved songs from the 1964 movie version of Mary Poppins. It's refrain: "Never need a reason, never need a rhyme..." embodies living with joy; without a care in the world. It's a song I danced around and around with my children when they were young. It's a song that fills you with hope and the 'happies,' as my children called it.

And it's a song I can choose to play over and over in my head to make this Christmas new and fresh and imagine my brother, like carefree Bert, doing the dance atop the clouds.

Merry Christmas...

Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins; 1964

The Black Hole

No matter how many years have passed, this time of year reminds me of my battle with "The Big C" and how I nearly died without an emergency tracheotomy and brutal chemotherapy. After my surgical biopsy revealed I had Stage IV Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a tumor lodged between my heart and lung and the ensuing days when, coupled with new-found Lupus, I descended into a hell unknown to me. Three years and many treatments and several near death experiences later, I emerged - new and naked. I had to recreate me.

But an amazing thing also happened when I ascended to Heaven for some moments, saw the light, and was able to look down on my own body on its gurney, the rushing doctors and nurses and my terrified husband. Briefly returning to my lifeless body, I told him to say goodbye to my sons and that I loved him. And then off I went to a peaceful, beautiful place until I woke in a trauma unit at another hospital with eyes swollen shut. Of course, when I was able to speak weeks later, I swore it never happened.

Then how would I have recognized the two nurses who tended to me? How did I 'see' my husband throw his trembling body over mine, screaming: "No, no! Amy! My soul mate!" Later, when I could read about such experiences, I learned I had entered a new club, if you will - those who are fortunate enough to visit Heaven and return. I haven't been afraid to die since.

The tears flow freely right now, not only from my memories but also from the tragic events unfolding all around us in this life; the grief, the misery, the sheer torture of it all for so many. And I felt it important that I write this down, perhaps selfishly because I still suffer from bouts of post traumatic stress disorder and to share one of my favorite quotes:

 “I have never met a person whose greatest need was anything other than real, unconditional love. You can find it in a simple act of kindness toward someone who needs help. There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame that heats our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives.

It is our connection to God and to each other."

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

On Death and Dying

Let's stay connected, even if just through social media or email.

Let's remember those we miss so terribly. 

Let's wrap the holiday season around us in increments that we can manage, however big or small.

Let's feel our hearts heal and beat with love. 

I'm trying, God, I'm trying. 

Photo taken at Brookgreen Gardens, Murrells Inlet, S.C.