Thursday, March 26, 2015

Lost in space...

"Danger, Will Robinson. Danger!" I wish I had Robot from the sixties television show Lost in Space to warn me when danger was near, like when I'm going to get smacked in the back of the head with yet another medical emergency.

Since I've been a 'professional patient' for 18 years, you would think I could easily recognize warning signs. Nope. It's always like an earthquake; a shattering of what I thought was a body working well.

It's like being lost in space ... surrounded by blackness, grabbing at stars or comets or flying objects that aren't within my reach. I think of George Clooney in Gravity letting himself come loose from the spaceship and slip, sliding away. It's somewhat beautiful yet scary as hell.

Last week I was hospitalized for internal bleeding. The source is as yet unknown and further testing is scheduled. I also found out yesterday that in addition to having Lupus and gastroparesis, I have Sjrogen's Syndrome. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that one.

So while the doctors toss out names of tests, medicines and supplements, I shut down. When family and friends wish me well or offer comfort, I shut down. I can no longer hide my disappointment in my ongoing poor health. I was once vital. Now I am idle.

Chronic illness is a creepy, crawly thing that should come with warnings all over it yet there is still so much we do not know, particularly about autoimmune disease. To read that Sjrogen's is tied to lymphoma made me gasp, Of course I suffered the stage 4B cancer years before I found out I have Sjrogen's but there it is - in black and white for me to comprehend

Today, I just can't. Call it a pity party or whatever you choose. I feel badly for myself and angry at my body. Floating off in outer space looks pretty good right now.

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